Майтапи (версия бис)

[pnp5q]

Уау! Ще се радвам да видя "женската" схема. Тази ми я пратиха по кю-то. А сега - готови за игра!

Уважаеми мъже! Съратници! Нека ви попитам нещо. Що е то “щастлива любов”? За съжаление щастливата любов се превежда с едно-единствено изречение: НАПРАВИ Я ЩАСТЛИВА!
Правилата на играта са прости:


- правиш това, което й харесва – получаваш точки;
- правиш това, което тя очаква от теб – нищо не получаваш;
- правиш това, което не й харесва – губиш точки.

Така че – правете си сметката!

ВСЕКИДНЕВНИ ЗАДЪЛЖЕНИЯ:
- Оправил си леглото +1
- Оправил си леглото, но си забравил да сложиш декоративните въглавнички 0
- Просто си хвърлил покривалото върху намачканите завивки -1
- Оставил си капака на тоалетната чиния отворен -5
- Сложил си ново руло тоалетна хартия 0
- Когато тоалетната хартия е свършила, си сложи салфетки -1
- Когато и салфетките са свършили, почнал си да ползваш вестник -2
- Съгласяваш се да отидеш до супера за превръзки +5
- В проливен дъжд +8
- Но се връщаш с бира -5
- Посред нощ проверяваш “какъв е тоя шум в коридора” и там няма нищо - 0
- Посред нощ проверяваш “какъв е тоя шум в коридора” и там има нещо +5
- Убиваш го с чехъла +10
- Оказва се нейното кученце -10

ОТИВАТЕ НА ЗАВЕДЕНИЕ:
- Търчиш след нея цяла вечер 0
- Стоиш малко, а после се изнизваш при свой колега на бара -2
- Колегата се казва Таня -4
- Таня е по-слаба -6
- Таня е с по-големи цици -8

НА НЕЙНИЯ РОЖДЕН ДЕН:
- Водиш я в ресторант 0
- Вътре не гледат мач +1
- Добре де, гледат мач -2
- Лицето ти е боядисано в цветовете на любимия отбор -10
- “Е, тази вечер поръчвай каквото искаш...” +1
- “... До 20 лева!” -2

РЕШИЛ СИ ДА ИЗЛЕЗЕШ С ПРИЯТЕЛ:
- За самия факт -5
- Приятелят ти е щастливо женен -3
- Заклет ерген -7
- Кара DODGE VIPER -10

КИНО И КИНОПРОЖЕКЦИИ:
- Ти си я завел на кино +2
- Завел си я на филм, който тя харесва +4
- Завел си я на филм, който ти не понасяш +6
- Завел си я на филм, който ти харесваш -2
- Филмът се казва "Мъртвият инспектор 3" -3
- Пълен е със сцени на киборги, които изяждат хора -9
- Излъгал си, че това е английски филм за любовта и децата -15

ВЪНШЕН ВИД:
- Появява ти се видимо шкембе -15
- Появява ти се видимо шкембе, но ти почваш да се бориш с проблема +10
- Появява ти се видимо шкембе, а ти си купуваш по-широки дънки и бермуди -30
- Появява ти се видимо шкембе, за което ти казваш: “Е какво толкова, ти си имаш същото!” -800

ОБСЪЖДАНЕ НА ПРОБЛЕМ:
- Слушаш с изражение на лицето, издаващо някакъв интерес 0
- повече от 30 минути +5
- повече от 30 минути и без да погледнеш нито веднъж в телевизора +100
- Накарая тя разбира, че просто си заспал -20

ГОЛЕМИЯТ ВЪПРОС "ДЕБЕЛА ЛИ СЪМ?":
- Бавиш се с отговора -10
- Питаш "Къде точно?" -35
- Всеки друг отговор -20

10x to atakmim
Впрочем, в момента водещата му новина е брутален социален рекламен клип против високите скорости по пътищата... :wo-oh:

[Dinain]

Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive.

No further testing is planned.

-------------------------------------------------------

The husband gave his wife a gift - a tombstone,
with the inscription: HERE LIES MY WIFE - COLD AS EVER.

Later the furious wife bought a return present - also a tombstone,
on which the inscription read : HERE LIES MY HUSBAND - STIFF AT LAST.

-------------------------------------------------------

Is Your Computer 'Male' or 'Female'?

As you are aware, ships have long been characterized as being female.
(e.g., "Steady as she goes" or "She's listing to starboard, Captain!")
Recently, a group of computer scientists (all male) announced that computers should also be referred to as being female. Their reasons for drawing this conclusion follows:

-No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
-The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
-The message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative as, "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you."
-Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
-As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

However, another group of computer scientists (all female) think that computers should be referred to as if they were male. Тheir reasons follow:

-They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
-They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
-As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model.
-In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
-Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.

-------------------------------------------------------

WOMEN'S 50 or so RULES FOR MEN

1. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
2. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
3. If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom. Most of my husband's early films end with a scream and a flush.
4. Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of "rich" usually cancels out the nice of "bald."
5. Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.
6. Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.
7. If it's attention you want, don't get involved with a man during play-off season.
8. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.
9. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.
10. All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.
11. The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever care about anyone else.
12. Don't try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in private; in public they have to know.
13. Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps.
14. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
15. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.
16. Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano.
17. All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwarzkopf.
18. Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.
19. Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax.
20. All men think that they're nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact me for a list of names.
21. Men don't get cellulite. God might just be a man.
22. Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.
23. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.
24. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."
25. Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.
26. If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.
27 If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.
28. Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders' outfits get tighter and briefer, and players' shorts get baggier and longer.
29. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.
30. When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.
31. When four or more women get together, they talk about men.
32. Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly.
33. Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.
34. Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"
35. If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget... he didn't lose your number... he didn't die. He just didn't want to call you.
36. Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, "Are we going to have sex again?" He said, "Yes, but not with each other."
37. Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it out of sight of women.
38. Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you... I want to marry you... I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks.
39. Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: "Mitch, you look great." Mitch:"Thanks." On the other side:"Ruth, you look great." Ruth: "I do? Must be the lighting."
40. Impulse buying is not macho. Men rarely call the Home Shopping Network.
41. Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.
42. Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how complicated it is for a woman to go to the bathroom when she's wearing a jumpsuit.
43. Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because their clothes all button and zip in the front. Women's dresses usually button and zip in the back. We need men emotionally and sexually, but we also need men to help us get dressed.
44. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with superheros. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.
45. When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.
46. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.
47. Men forget everything; women remember everything.
48. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened.
49. Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.
50. All men would still really like to own a train set.



MEN'S 43 or so RULES FOR WOMEN

1. It is only common courtesy that you should leave the seat on the toilet UP when you are done.
2. If you are cooking a special dinner for a man, be sure to include something from each of the four major male food groups: Meat, Fried, Beer, and Red.
3. Don't make him hold your purse in the mall.
4. Shopping is not fascinating.
5. When he asks for a threesome with you and your best friend, he is only joking.
6. Unless the answer is yes.
7. In which case, can he videotape it?
8. If you REALLY want a nice guy, stop dating good-looking assholes.
9. The man is ALWAYS in charge of poking the campfire with a stick and/or tending the grill.
10. Trying to provoke a large, dangerous-looking felon from across the room is not funny.
11. Money does not equate love. Not even in Nevada.
12. Any attempt by a man to prepare food, no matter how feeble (i.e. Microwaving a burrito, fixing Spaghetti, etc.) should be met with roughly the same degree of praise a parent might shower upon their infant when it walks for the first time.
13. Those male models with perfect bodies are all gay. Accept it.
14. He heard you the first time.
15. You know, YOU can ask HIM out too... Let's spread the rejection around a little.
16. If you truly want honesty, don't ask questions you don't really want the answer to.
17. Of COURSE he wants another beer.
18. The guy doesn't ALWAYS have to sleep on the wet spot.
19. Dogs good. Cats bad.
20. Any sort of injury involving the testicles is not funny.
21. If he has to sit through "Legends of the Fall", you have to sit through "Showgirls".
22. "Fine." is not an acceptable way to end an argument.
23. Do not question a man's innate navigational abilities by suggesting he stop for directions.
24. He was not looking at that other girl.
25. Well, okay... maybe a little.
26. Okay, so what! He was looking at her. Big deal. Like you never looked at another guy...
27. There is nothing inherently wrong with the word "pussy".
28. He is the funniest, strongest, best-looking, most successful man you have ever met.
29. And all your friends think so too. Especially the cute ones.
31. Your (select appropriate item butt/boobs/hair/makeup/legs look fine. As a matter of fact, it/they look damn good. Stop asking.
32. If you want a satisfying sex life, you will NEVER fake an orgasm.
33. It is not necessary to discuss the heaviness of your menstrual flow with him.
34. Remember: that Nair bottle looks an awful lot like shampoo if left in the shower.
35. Two words: blow job. Learn it. Live it. Love it.
36. Dirty laundry comes in several categories: Looks fine/smells fine, Looks fine/smells bad, Looks dirty/smells fine. Unless you intend to wash it, do not try to disrupt piles organized in this manner.
37. Yes, Sharon Stone/Pamela Anderson/Cindy Crawford is prettier than you. Just like Brad Pitt / Antonio Banderas / Keanu Reeves is better looking than him. But since neither one of you is going to be dating any of these people, love the one you're with.
38. Of course size matters, and boy does he have the granddaddy of them all.
39. His (fill in appropriate selections bald spot/beer gut/impossibly thick glasses/impotency/scabby rash, is cute.
40. Don't hog the covers.
41. Watching football is a major turn-on for you. But please wait until the half-time show to act upon that...
42. He does not just want to be friends.
43. A successful date always starts with the woman uttering the sentence: "You know, why don't we just skip the expensive dinner and stay here having freaky circus sex all night?"


MEN'S ADVICE FOR WOMEN

-Never buy a 'new' brand of beer because 'it was on sale.'
-Whenever possible, please try to say whatever you have to say during commercials.
-Please don't drive when you're not driving.
-Don't feel compelled to tell us how all the people in your little stories are related to one another: We're just nodding, waiting for the punchline.
-When the waiter asks if everything's okay, a simple 'Yes' will do.
-When I'm turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off-ramp, saying "This is our exit" is not strictly necessary.
-The temperature in the cave will be my responsibility. It will be slightly to moderately cooler than you want it.
-Is it too much to ask to have the bra match the underwear?
-If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work?
-You probably don't want to know what we're thinking about.
-Silence does not need to be filled.
-It's in neither your interest nor ours to take the Cosmo quiz together.
-No, you can't have the remote control.

-To make a man happy you must understand him a lot and love him a little. Тo be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
-A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband,
while a man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
-A woman will always cherish the memory of the man who wanted to marry her...
A man, of the woman who didn't.
-Married men live longer than single men.
But married men are a lot more willing to die.
-Any married man should forget his mistakes...
No use in two people remembering the same thing.

[виталий]

Коментарии к фото с парада Победы...
"Wirtualna Polska", Польша

http://www.inosmi.ru/stories/05/09/02/3453/234426.html

[Odzava]

Коментарии к фото с парада Победы...
"Wirtualna Polska", Польша
http://www.inosmi.ru/stories/05/09/02/3453/234426.html

Кое е смешното в тези коментарии, те са жалки.

[Amazon]

И аз изчетох коментарите, Виталий. Нищо странно, или учудващо. И там има и разумни хора, както има и злобни и късогледи. Освен това, те нямат основания да ви обичат особено, така че коментарите дори не бяха толкова саркастични, колкото очаквах.

[gollum]

Всъщност подобни коментари могат да се намерят почти по всякакъв подобен повод на който и да е форум, предполагам че в която и да е страна. Дори аккто отбеляза Амазон - не са толкова резки, колкото човек би очаквал. Май дори тук, в темата за празника се бе намерил един потребител с доста по-страшни (ако не бяха просто смешни) коменатри и възгледи.

[2GooD]

http://www.vbox7.com/play:5af2c529?Gaddafi=FREEDOM_FOR_BULGARIAN_MEDICS

[Пилот]

Отива юнакът да се бори с двуглавата ламя.
Реже 2 глави, поникват 4.
Реже 4 глави, поникват 8.
.....................................
Реже 64 глави, поникват 128.
....................................
Реже 65536 глави и ламята умира, защото е 16 битова.

(Вица е в памет на Win 95)

[pnp5q]

Отива юнакът да се бори с двуглавата ламя.
Реже 2 глави, поникват 4.
Реже 4 глави, поникват 8.
.....................................
Реже 64 глави, поникват 128.
....................................
Реже 65536 глави и ламята умира, защото е 16 битова.

(Вица е в памет на Win 95)

Навремето из форумите на dir.bg бяха постнали ТРИ страници кю-логове от компютърна фирма по повод на тоя виц: че ако брояча е от нула /както в прог.език С++/, трябва да е умряла след 65535-тата глава, освен ако е мъжка... и подобни, включително програмни модули с коментар върху циклите на сечене и порастване.

[messire Woland]

Познайте кой е най-големия хищник

[pnp5q]

Днешния уникат в рубриката "Извън релси" на dnes.bg :lol: :lol: :lol:

и за десерт - с изтънчен вкус - за една реклама

[Last roman]

Познайте какво правят тия двамата:
1/ Любуват се на залеза;
2/ Обсъждат Омировата "Илиада";
3/ ......................................... /да не ме цензурират/.

[IMPERATOR CÆSAR AVGVSTVS]

Гледах го тоя филм. Преди това, обаче коментарите във форума така ме бяха наплашили, че изобщо не очаквах да видя нещо историческо. Всъщност, като изключим чудовищата, типичните филмови и комиксови измислици, и оня гигантски травестит от снимката, филмът може и да мине за полуисторически. Хм,:sm186: май изключих половината филм.

[Guy de Mont Ferrand]

Гледах го тоя филм. Преди това, обаче коментарите във форума така ме бяха наплашили, че изобщо не очаквах да видя нещо историческо. Всъщност, като изключим чудовищата, типичните филмови и комиксови измислици, и оня гигантски травестит от снимката, филмът може и да мине за полуисторически. Хм,:sm186: май изключих половината филм.

Значи, по твоите изчисления- 1/4 исторически

[IMPERATOR CÆSAR AVGVSTVS]

То не е сигурно съчиненията на Херодот доколко са исторически, но по-принцип историчността приблизително я определям в проценти. Напр., може да му се дадат 30-35%.